There's something I struggle with right now. I have a problem that I haven't really accepted until now. I didn't think it was serious before, and I think I have to solve the problem before I can truly be better. I won't tell the problem, but I can tell you it has to do with messing up and making mistakes. As I'm realizing this is a prob;em, I also realize the root is not accepting and loving myself. I seem to think that if i mess up, its all over. Recently I've been watching this youtuber that has struggled with this same problem, and almost completely overcome it. Actually, she made me realize that that problem could even be a problem. Its this never ending cycle of expecting perfection out of myself, and then I make one mistake, go overboard, and then beat myself up afterwards.
What I'm trying to think of is Jesus. His atonement, and how I don't have to worry about my flaws, because he will save me. Not only that, but he takes away the sting of sin. If I am struggling, he will be there to pick me up. If I make a mistake, I only need pray to feel his love and acceptance.
2 Kings 13:23

"But the LORD was gracious to them and had compassion on them and turned to them because of His covenant with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, and would not destroy them or cast them from His presence until now."

Here in 2 Kings the lord tells that he will show us his compassion and love, and that he WILL NOT CAST US OUT. Wow. He will accept me as I am. If i mess, he won't just leave me like often people in this earth life will. His love is eternal and unconditional.

My problem won't go away until I start accepting it and working on it. I keep thinking that my problem is just a surface thing, only skin deep, but its so much more. The root is not about worldly things, this is me. Not accepting myself, and devaluing myself. I have no faith in myself, and that starts with god. I am going to mess up, over and over. The trick is not being upset and giving up. The trick is to keep going and not feel guilty. I wish I could write all I feel, all about the problem, but its too personal right now, too fresh. 

Goal of this week:

Don't get distracted by those things of little importance. Stay close to the Lord. Accept him, he's already accepted me. Keep vigilant on laundry, working out, homework, keeping my room tidy, and blogging. Haha not good at those things. STOP PROCRASTINATING.

SIDENOTE: I am currently talking to my friend about a trial in his life and gave him some advice. I'm realizing that I need to practice what I preach. I get so caught up the small things that may suck or the bad things that came from an event, but I'm forgetting the good things. The small little blessings and tender mercies. 

Jesus and Barabbas

Wow I have been on a streak!! Third post, go me! I don't know why lately I've been really trying to feel god. But then I actually do. I believe its because of my unhappiness and my hopelessness. When I went through that period of doubting Him, of doubting His actual existence, there was one thing that made me hold on. I can't wrap my head around the fact that we could just be here. Be here on earth with no purpose. Why go through all of this pain and heartache if there isn't a point? If there isn't some greater reason for our suffering and learning? And, if there really isn't a point, why allow ourselves to endure this? I probably would have ended it if I believed that. The thought of no purpose really is depressing, and that is what made me go back and give Him one more try.
I was watching this little devotional/sermon on YouTube (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RwX_EpNR4CA), and it discusses Jesus and Barabbas. So just to refresh your memory, when Jesus was about to be put on the cross, Pilate gave the people a chance to save one of the prisoners. Jesus had only ever healed and done good, whereas Barabbas was a rebel and a thief. The people chose Barabbas, and he went away laughing that he got away. Now this story makes me think of two things.
First of all, why did the people choose Barabbas? This is yet another huge piece of evidence that shows peoples tendencies to choose what is worst for them. Now I don't know if its because we believe that we deserve the worst, or that we have such a stigma on religion, that we "crucify" all those good things and save the bad things. Satan is whispering into our ears, pouring evil and lies into our minds, and it upsets me so much to think of the influence that he has. To get back on track, we must ask for forgiveness, which is the hardest part of bouncing back.
This brings me to the second thing I thought about, the point of the video. Jesus didn't get upset that the people chose Barabbas, not to mention the fact that he was SO unfairly treated and that he had never done an unclean or evil thing in his life. No, he allowed Barabbas to go free because he loves us. He loves us through all of our flaws. Think of all the evil people of the world, rapists, terrorists, dictators, liars, etc. He loves them. Think of all the things you've done. Remember that mistake you've made over and over? He forgives that. He loves you, and your flaws. He knows you aren't perfect, in fact, that is purposefully done. You are imperfectly made. Beautiful flaws make it possible for you to draw nearer to him. They make the purpose of this life! To become perfect in him! How powerful is that????
Anyways, I would love to write more, but its really late. Or early haha. Remember that he loves you, that it's alright to make mistakes as long as you find rest and forgiveness in him.
Amirah

Judgement

I have been trying to world my feelings right now, and the only thing that can come out is scared. I am scared of what people think. I am scared of what the may say, of what they may do, of how they might treat me if I fully lived my life in the gospel and really tried to show my love for my Savior.
Every time I give someone advice about this I say, why do you care, what are the reasons, and oh my goodness have I been a hypocrite. I think the reasons that I am so scared personally, is because I want to fit it. I want to be liked, to have it all, the boys, the friends, everything that comes along with being popular. I don't want to stand out as that girl, that freak that talks about Jesus all the time, the one that can't have a good time or let loose. The pressure that I feel that society puts on me is unbearable. But, by no means do I think people do this on purpose. I think it comes with all of the worldly things being poured out on us daily, the images we see, what is perceived as cool. I have gotten so caught up in it all, yet I still feel this undeniable defensiveness of Jesus and love and religion and everything it stands for. It makes me feel like there is still hope for me to find him again, and feel his love.
Today in my bible study class, these boys were paralleling these bible characters to terrorists, and they kept shouting Allahu Akbar, which means god is greatest in Arabic. The boys were laughing because that is what ISIS yells. This total disrespect of humanity, of peoples lives and experiences made me sick, and I wanted to yell out a string of shaming and mean comments, but I knew that that is what Satan wanted me to do. I cannot get over the fact that people are sacrificing their lives and being persecuted just for their faith, for everything that they believe in, and yet these boys have the audacity to make fun of them? They are just so ignorant and unknowing. Maybe this affects me so much because I have lived overseas, and seen firsthand the love and compassion that Islam is based on. These people, these majority of people are some of the kindest I have ever met, and they are ten times the person that those boys are. I hate how people take Islamic extremists, the 15%, and show that as what all Muslims are, they let that 15% represent the 75% that are there. My grandfather was born Muslim, and he is one of the kindest and most compassionate men I know. I have grown up watching him lend money to all those that ask, inviting people off the street to join them for dinner, seen him give everything he has to someone if they ask for it.
It makes me so upset to see these people judging others. But then, I think of how often I judge people on a daily basis. How I walk down the halls of my school, calling girls sluts in my head if their skirt is too short, calling people weird if they are different to me, and it makes me sick all over again because then I realize that I am the one judging. This judgment, this judgement, is the thing that makes people feel the pressure that I am feeling. This is the pressure that drives people to cutting, suicide, and eating disorders.
My new goal is to not judge people. To lift people up. Even if i can only make one persons day, that's enough. Its enough for me to make one person happy because that is one less person feeling this weight. I want to be able to walk down the hallways of my school, and love every person I see, no matter if it was that boy who broke my heart or that girl who is dating the guy I like. I want to be able to radiate joy, I want people to be able to see my happiness in my eyes, and be drawn to me.
So my challenge to you, to anyone who may be reading this (if anyone does), is to be kind. Just like that Cinderella story, have courage and be kind. Live your faith. Be kind to all those who walk in and out of your life whether they be stomping, or dancing through. You never know what someone may be going through.
Be kind,
Amirah
(I just watched an amazing devotional that shed some light on judgement. This girl phrased it in a new way. God created me and you, and if I am judging you, I am judging God. AHHH that makes me take it soo much more seriously.)

Grace

Well that didn't really work at all..... Anyways, with this new year, I hope to make healthy changes to my life, including my spiritual growth. Right now I'm at the point where I am struggling to hang on to him on a thread. It's like I know he is the way, but I can't seem to tear myself away from the world long enough for him to take hold. I've been feeling depressed, hopeless, lost, and just so..... done. That's the only word to describe it. Its not even sadness or anything like that at this point, just a total letting go of all things that used to be important to me. I feel angry all the time, frustrated at the world. I don't even know how many times I've said I hated people as a whole in the last week. I just can't get over the fact that in this world, this beautiful and wonderful world, there can exist two sides. One so ugly that it drives people into a drunken world of blurring colors and suicide and defeat, and the other so innocent and pure and virtuous that brings joy and love to the whole world.
But, the point of this post isn't to lose my faith in humanity. Throughout all of my feelings aforementioned, I have felt a glimmer. A glimmer of the faith and love I once used to possess. Somewhere between society and my own weaknesses I lost what was most precious to me, and now I want it back. This glimmer pulls at me occasionally, leading me in the right direction. I'm realizing now as I'm writing this, that I don't need to stick with the anger and pain and guilt and shame. I can become whole again. The only way to do this is through him. The only way is to let go completely.
Sometimes, we need to let go and let him take control. Let go, and surrender in his grace. His grace will save you even if you think there is no way he can take you out of this bitter gulf of misery. I often equate grace with power. He will save you with his grace. He will save you with his power. How amazing is this???
You do not need to have the power to save yourself! He has it already! The only thing that he asks is that we follow him, and that we love one another, for isn't that the reason for this life.
WOW. How many days of this year have I wandered around in my silliness at school or with friends, worrying about stupid things and pushing myself lower? Making myself feel like I didn't deserve his grace? His mercy? Too many days have been spent wondering what was wrong with me for people not loving me, not realizing that I have all the love I could ever need and more.
I have been running around thinking I can do this myself but the truth is that I can't. Its not needful. It is not necessary. Its very prideful of me to think that, and I need to be humble and accept that I can't do everything. I can't be perfect, nor am I expected to be. I am expected to keep trying and pursuing perfection, but I won't get there in this lifetime, no one will.
Sorry that was complete word vomit! This is going to become my sort of journal, so expect some very emotional stuff haha.
Stay in his love.
Amirah