Why are we sinners?

I have always been fascinated by psychology and how our minds work. It is so easily compatible with religion as well. Have you ever thought about why we sin? Is it because we don't know any better? Is it because people are inherently bad or good? Is it because since we are human we cannot help ourselves?

Since we were created in the image of God and with knowledge and understanding, I think humans are far too complex to be labelled simply as good or evil. If anything, since we are similar to God, I think people are predisposed to be good. I think conditions can cause you to make certain choices, but ultimately there is always a reason. I used to think sin was horrible because Satan was pushing it on us or we just hate God, but now I understand it so much more deeply. I read this article that said,"sin is often an attempt to meet legitimate needs apart from God". When we are not close to the spirit we do not have His presence as strongly in our lives, and this means that certain needs he usually fills are not being met. We would not be receiving the level of understanding, charity, relief from pain, and any other number of blessings from him. Sin is just us seeking out solutions to these needs. Satan does not make us desire these things, he just gives us opportunities to find other solutions. Some sins are not inherently evil, they are just the product of a lack of a relationship with God. The fact that we have certain needs that can only be met by a higher being is evidence of a life beyond! Most of the needs that we have cannot be fulfilled by the imperfect people of this earth, only by some other force. This whole idea has allowed me to be more understanding of others, as well as forgive the sins that I have committed. It also allows me to see others sins and have an idea of how to help them because I know what they are missing. This is one of my greatest desires, to be able to read people and have a deep understanding of what they need and what I can provide to them.

I have also been reading so much about knowledge. There is this one podcast by Shelby Stanger and presented by REI that takes on so many inspiring guests. A couple of them have shared thoughts about knowledge and learning. One quote REALLY stuck out to me.

Do not strive to be interesting, rather be interested.

Holy moly!!! This is huge. Knowledge is so important to God, and without it, what is there in this world? We were sent here to understand the secrets of the beautiful earth and about each other, to truly understand as God does. This quote struck me so hard because one of my deepest fears is that I am not interesting enough for people to like me or be of any worth. What I have been realizing lately is that it doesn't matter if you try to make yourself interesting, it won't work. You will become 10x more interesting by being interested, and learn so much more. "Wisdom is better than rubies; and all the things that may be desired are not to be compared to it". This is literally the entire reason we are here! To learn how to become Gods! And this is through love and understanding. Mercy and charity, and all values that are of God. God is so good!

Been a couple years!

Committing my words to paper (or post?) is the only thing this semester than has made me feel understood. Since coming to college I have struggled immensely to find those that I feel understand me. I have been seeking validation from other sources outside myself, when I need to look inward so that I can express outward. Since I posted last, I went through a complete loss of faith and interest in religion. I am grateful for this season. That dark time in my life had some great memories, but also led me to where I am right now. I learned so many lessons about repentance and sin and Christ. I felt his unending love so deeply. Now, my goal is to express that to others. I overanalyze everything so I am trying to not react to people, but use compassion. I have been reading the Bible so much more and finding little spots of inspiration more so than the Book of Mormon, but that is probably just this stage of my journey of faith. On the topic of love there are multiple golden verses. In 1 James chapter 4 it says "Love is of God; and every one that liveth is born of God, and knoweth God". This verse gives me so much hope. It represents the united and all encompassing care that God has for each on one us, and tells us that every person who loves is of God. Its similar to the fruit metaphor, if the tree bears good fruit, it is of God. This means that every person that loves someone else, no matter the gender or orientation, has a pure love. That it is not wrong, but actually God like. It also shows that christianity is not meant to be one of judgement as I think the majority of the world believes and practices, but is about acceptance and building each other up. It also says in verse 11, "If god so loved us, we ought also to love one another". Wow. This addresses directly our human downfall of a judgement that is unwarranted and ungodly. Who are we to discriminate who receives love? Who are we to say that one is better than another? Everything we do is done from our own perspective, not the greater one above. I believe that we are not seeing the full picture. I think it also important to address this other yet similarly profound principle, "there is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear". Every bad relationship I have been in where I was afraid to show my full emotions and held back, those were not Godly relationships. In a true and complementary partnership, even friendships, both members should feel like they have cheerleaders surrounding them. Friends and partners that allow them to reach their full potential and are grateful to have them in their lives. Some of the best friendships I have I am still able to be my funny self, but they can see beyond that and sense the deeper parts of my identity. This leads me into the next thought. This really got me. Proverbs 4:23 says, " keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life". It is literally telling us that life is deeper and that it is all about emotions and relationships!!! It is telling us to ignore all the craziness around us and take care of our heart, this means doing things that are nourishing to us as well as making hard decisions to let things go. I think this verse often gets misinterpreted as meaning guard your heart and don't let people in, but I think it means the opposite. I think its actually saying to take care of your heart and emotions and value them so that you can use it to its full capacity for love.  This kind of unrestrained love and expression is what I live for, its one of the reasons that I feel connected to Jesus, is because I just feel so passionate about living deeply. I feel like his gospel is the perfect example of this because of what he did for us. The ultimate dramatic move was to die for us. It shows His full devotion to us, even when we do not deserve it. It has only been hitting me lately how much joy can be found. This is why Christ died for us! It was not so that we would feel guilty forever, its the opposite! He took our guilt and pain so that we could experience the deep and passionate joy that He desires for His brothers and sisters!!!!! God is so good! 

There's something I struggle with right now. I have a problem that I haven't really accepted until now. I didn't think it was serious before, and I think I have to solve the problem before I can truly be better. I won't tell the problem, but I can tell you it has to do with messing up and making mistakes. As I'm realizing this is a prob;em, I also realize the root is not accepting and loving myself. I seem to think that if i mess up, its all over. Recently I've been watching this youtuber that has struggled with this same problem, and almost completely overcome it. Actually, she made me realize that that problem could even be a problem. Its this never ending cycle of expecting perfection out of myself, and then I make one mistake, go overboard, and then beat myself up afterwards.
What I'm trying to think of is Jesus. His atonement, and how I don't have to worry about my flaws, because he will save me. Not only that, but he takes away the sting of sin. If I am struggling, he will be there to pick me up. If I make a mistake, I only need pray to feel his love and acceptance.
2 Kings 13:23

"But the LORD was gracious to them and had compassion on them and turned to them because of His covenant with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, and would not destroy them or cast them from His presence until now."

Here in 2 Kings the lord tells that he will show us his compassion and love, and that he WILL NOT CAST US OUT. Wow. He will accept me as I am. If i mess, he won't just leave me like often people in this earth life will. His love is eternal and unconditional.

My problem won't go away until I start accepting it and working on it. I keep thinking that my problem is just a surface thing, only skin deep, but its so much more. The root is not about worldly things, this is me. Not accepting myself, and devaluing myself. I have no faith in myself, and that starts with god. I am going to mess up, over and over. The trick is not being upset and giving up. The trick is to keep going and not feel guilty. I wish I could write all I feel, all about the problem, but its too personal right now, too fresh. 

Goal of this week:

Don't get distracted by those things of little importance. Stay close to the Lord. Accept him, he's already accepted me. Keep vigilant on laundry, working out, homework, keeping my room tidy, and blogging. Haha not good at those things. STOP PROCRASTINATING.

SIDENOTE: I am currently talking to my friend about a trial in his life and gave him some advice. I'm realizing that I need to practice what I preach. I get so caught up the small things that may suck or the bad things that came from an event, but I'm forgetting the good things. The small little blessings and tender mercies. 

Jesus and Barabbas

Wow I have been on a streak!! Third post, go me! I don't know why lately I've been really trying to feel god. But then I actually do. I believe its because of my unhappiness and my hopelessness. When I went through that period of doubting Him, of doubting His actual existence, there was one thing that made me hold on. I can't wrap my head around the fact that we could just be here. Be here on earth with no purpose. Why go through all of this pain and heartache if there isn't a point? If there isn't some greater reason for our suffering and learning? And, if there really isn't a point, why allow ourselves to endure this? I probably would have ended it if I believed that. The thought of no purpose really is depressing, and that is what made me go back and give Him one more try.
I was watching this little devotional/sermon on YouTube (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RwX_EpNR4CA), and it discusses Jesus and Barabbas. So just to refresh your memory, when Jesus was about to be put on the cross, Pilate gave the people a chance to save one of the prisoners. Jesus had only ever healed and done good, whereas Barabbas was a rebel and a thief. The people chose Barabbas, and he went away laughing that he got away. Now this story makes me think of two things.
First of all, why did the people choose Barabbas? This is yet another huge piece of evidence that shows peoples tendencies to choose what is worst for them. Now I don't know if its because we believe that we deserve the worst, or that we have such a stigma on religion, that we "crucify" all those good things and save the bad things. Satan is whispering into our ears, pouring evil and lies into our minds, and it upsets me so much to think of the influence that he has. To get back on track, we must ask for forgiveness, which is the hardest part of bouncing back.
This brings me to the second thing I thought about, the point of the video. Jesus didn't get upset that the people chose Barabbas, not to mention the fact that he was SO unfairly treated and that he had never done an unclean or evil thing in his life. No, he allowed Barabbas to go free because he loves us. He loves us through all of our flaws. Think of all the evil people of the world, rapists, terrorists, dictators, liars, etc. He loves them. Think of all the things you've done. Remember that mistake you've made over and over? He forgives that. He loves you, and your flaws. He knows you aren't perfect, in fact, that is purposefully done. You are imperfectly made. Beautiful flaws make it possible for you to draw nearer to him. They make the purpose of this life! To become perfect in him! How powerful is that????
Anyways, I would love to write more, but its really late. Or early haha. Remember that he loves you, that it's alright to make mistakes as long as you find rest and forgiveness in him.
Amirah

Judgement

I have been trying to world my feelings right now, and the only thing that can come out is scared. I am scared of what people think. I am scared of what the may say, of what they may do, of how they might treat me if I fully lived my life in the gospel and really tried to show my love for my Savior.
Every time I give someone advice about this I say, why do you care, what are the reasons, and oh my goodness have I been a hypocrite. I think the reasons that I am so scared personally, is because I want to fit it. I want to be liked, to have it all, the boys, the friends, everything that comes along with being popular. I don't want to stand out as that girl, that freak that talks about Jesus all the time, the one that can't have a good time or let loose. The pressure that I feel that society puts on me is unbearable. But, by no means do I think people do this on purpose. I think it comes with all of the worldly things being poured out on us daily, the images we see, what is perceived as cool. I have gotten so caught up in it all, yet I still feel this undeniable defensiveness of Jesus and love and religion and everything it stands for. It makes me feel like there is still hope for me to find him again, and feel his love.
Today in my bible study class, these boys were paralleling these bible characters to terrorists, and they kept shouting Allahu Akbar, which means god is greatest in Arabic. The boys were laughing because that is what ISIS yells. This total disrespect of humanity, of peoples lives and experiences made me sick, and I wanted to yell out a string of shaming and mean comments, but I knew that that is what Satan wanted me to do. I cannot get over the fact that people are sacrificing their lives and being persecuted just for their faith, for everything that they believe in, and yet these boys have the audacity to make fun of them? They are just so ignorant and unknowing. Maybe this affects me so much because I have lived overseas, and seen firsthand the love and compassion that Islam is based on. These people, these majority of people are some of the kindest I have ever met, and they are ten times the person that those boys are. I hate how people take Islamic extremists, the 15%, and show that as what all Muslims are, they let that 15% represent the 75% that are there. My grandfather was born Muslim, and he is one of the kindest and most compassionate men I know. I have grown up watching him lend money to all those that ask, inviting people off the street to join them for dinner, seen him give everything he has to someone if they ask for it.
It makes me so upset to see these people judging others. But then, I think of how often I judge people on a daily basis. How I walk down the halls of my school, calling girls sluts in my head if their skirt is too short, calling people weird if they are different to me, and it makes me sick all over again because then I realize that I am the one judging. This judgment, this judgement, is the thing that makes people feel the pressure that I am feeling. This is the pressure that drives people to cutting, suicide, and eating disorders.
My new goal is to not judge people. To lift people up. Even if i can only make one persons day, that's enough. Its enough for me to make one person happy because that is one less person feeling this weight. I want to be able to walk down the hallways of my school, and love every person I see, no matter if it was that boy who broke my heart or that girl who is dating the guy I like. I want to be able to radiate joy, I want people to be able to see my happiness in my eyes, and be drawn to me.
So my challenge to you, to anyone who may be reading this (if anyone does), is to be kind. Just like that Cinderella story, have courage and be kind. Live your faith. Be kind to all those who walk in and out of your life whether they be stomping, or dancing through. You never know what someone may be going through.
Be kind,
Amirah
(I just watched an amazing devotional that shed some light on judgement. This girl phrased it in a new way. God created me and you, and if I am judging you, I am judging God. AHHH that makes me take it soo much more seriously.)

Grace

Well that didn't really work at all..... Anyways, with this new year, I hope to make healthy changes to my life, including my spiritual growth. Right now I'm at the point where I am struggling to hang on to him on a thread. It's like I know he is the way, but I can't seem to tear myself away from the world long enough for him to take hold. I've been feeling depressed, hopeless, lost, and just so..... done. That's the only word to describe it. Its not even sadness or anything like that at this point, just a total letting go of all things that used to be important to me. I feel angry all the time, frustrated at the world. I don't even know how many times I've said I hated people as a whole in the last week. I just can't get over the fact that in this world, this beautiful and wonderful world, there can exist two sides. One so ugly that it drives people into a drunken world of blurring colors and suicide and defeat, and the other so innocent and pure and virtuous that brings joy and love to the whole world.
But, the point of this post isn't to lose my faith in humanity. Throughout all of my feelings aforementioned, I have felt a glimmer. A glimmer of the faith and love I once used to possess. Somewhere between society and my own weaknesses I lost what was most precious to me, and now I want it back. This glimmer pulls at me occasionally, leading me in the right direction. I'm realizing now as I'm writing this, that I don't need to stick with the anger and pain and guilt and shame. I can become whole again. The only way to do this is through him. The only way is to let go completely.
Sometimes, we need to let go and let him take control. Let go, and surrender in his grace. His grace will save you even if you think there is no way he can take you out of this bitter gulf of misery. I often equate grace with power. He will save you with his grace. He will save you with his power. How amazing is this???
You do not need to have the power to save yourself! He has it already! The only thing that he asks is that we follow him, and that we love one another, for isn't that the reason for this life.
WOW. How many days of this year have I wandered around in my silliness at school or with friends, worrying about stupid things and pushing myself lower? Making myself feel like I didn't deserve his grace? His mercy? Too many days have been spent wondering what was wrong with me for people not loving me, not realizing that I have all the love I could ever need and more.
I have been running around thinking I can do this myself but the truth is that I can't. Its not needful. It is not necessary. Its very prideful of me to think that, and I need to be humble and accept that I can't do everything. I can't be perfect, nor am I expected to be. I am expected to keep trying and pursuing perfection, but I won't get there in this lifetime, no one will.
Sorry that was complete word vomit! This is going to become my sort of journal, so expect some very emotional stuff haha.
Stay in his love.
Amirah

I got to meet Brother Holland?!

Oh my goodness we got to post two! Let's hope this continues. Today, I wanted to share an experience I had yesterday. Yesterday I went to a fantastic youth fireside at the temple's visitors center. The speaker was Elder Holland's son, Brother Holland. He is the president of UVU, Utah Valley University. Before I got there I actually thought it was Elder Holland that was coming, haha.

Anyways, when I heard about this fireside, I was super excited because lately I have been feeling kind of disconnected from my faith, and feeling like I was back tracking in my progress. It was SO nice to see the temple, and it totally inspired me, and gave me a jump start. I just felt the Spirit so strongly, and I was so happy to be there. The temple makes me feel clean, holy, righteous, and ridiculously happy. It gives me so much strength to continue on trying to live my standards, and strive for the better.

Brother Holland started off the fireside with telling three moments of Jesus' life. The first was when the Savior was in Galilee at a synagogue, and a man with a withered hand came near to him, and Jesus told him to rise up, and he was healed. The second moment was when he was at the pools of Bethesda, and a man had been there trying to be healed for 38 years (what?!!!!), and the Savior told him to rise, take up his bed and walk. The third moment, was when he appeared to Saul (a then wicked man) in blinding light, on the road to Damascus, and told him to rise. If you notice all three of them show the Savior telling someone to rise up (hint hint).

The third one kind of struck me, and also I remembered it today as we were talking to the sister missionaries in our lesson. It struck me because it shows how sometimes your revelations can be big and momentous, but it made me think because I still haven't had that "striking light". Brother Hollands talk talks about how you can gain a testimony through reading the Book of Mormon, pondering, then praying about it, and receiving a witness (the Moroni 10:3-5 way), but another way to gain testimony of something is to try to deny it (the Jeramiah 20 way). Sometimes gaining a witness of something comes line upon line, precept upon precept. It can come over time. Gaining a testimony doesn't have to be this intense, huge moment, it can come without you consciously knowing it. I really liked that he said that because maybe I'll have the Moroni way in the future, I haven't had it yet, but I know certain things are true because I have built it up over time.

The reason he told us about the three moments that all told someone to rise up, was to lead into telling us the Lords invitation to "rise up and achieve your best". He goes on to talk about education, and the importance of  work (which by the is super important, but that's a whole other post topic). He talked about how the best life is not the easy life, and I love that because it makes me remember that life isn't always the easiest, and that its all worth it in the end. He mentions your testimony, education, and work all as tools to help you to rise up and achieve your best.

Another thing I really liked that he said was that in order to let God into our lives, we may have to let go. I really felt this one because I feel like in this world we try so hard to be perfect, when in reality, the only way we can be perfect is to let God perfect us. At the end, Brother Holland talks about how there will always be setbacks, but if you follow the commandments and walk in Jesus' way he will bless you and prosper you. This calmed me because like I said earlier, I have been feeling set back, and it comforts me to know that if I strive to be like him, he will bless and prosper me. Trust in what He can do for you!

So today at school was pajama day, and like a smart, hardworking class, my US History class took a sleepy picture. Yep, go studying!

Okay, its late, and I want to have enough energy tomorrow to function. Goodnight!