Well that didn't really work at all..... Anyways, with this new year, I hope to make healthy changes to my life, including my spiritual growth. Right now I'm at the point where I am struggling to hang on to him on a thread. It's like I know he is the way, but I can't seem to tear myself away from the world long enough for him to take hold. I've been feeling depressed, hopeless, lost, and just so..... done. That's the only word to describe it. Its not even sadness or anything like that at this point, just a total letting go of all things that used to be important to me. I feel angry all the time, frustrated at the world. I don't even know how many times I've said I hated people as a whole in the last week. I just can't get over the fact that in this world, this beautiful and wonderful world, there can exist two sides. One so ugly that it drives people into a drunken world of blurring colors and suicide and defeat, and the other so innocent and pure and virtuous that brings joy and love to the whole world.
But, the point of this post isn't to lose my faith in humanity. Throughout all of my feelings aforementioned, I have felt a glimmer. A glimmer of the faith and love I once used to possess. Somewhere between society and my own weaknesses I lost what was most precious to me, and now I want it back. This glimmer pulls at me occasionally, leading me in the right direction. I'm realizing now as I'm writing this, that I don't need to stick with the anger and pain and guilt and shame. I can become whole again. The only way to do this is through him. The only way is to let go completely.
Sometimes, we need to let go and let him take control. Let go, and surrender in his grace. His grace will save you even if you think there is no way he can take you out of this bitter gulf of misery. I often equate grace with power. He will save you with his grace. He will save you with his power. How amazing is this???
You do not need to have the power to save yourself! He has it already! The only thing that he asks is that we follow him, and that we love one another, for isn't that the reason for this life.
WOW. How many days of this year have I wandered around in my silliness at school or with friends, worrying about stupid things and pushing myself lower? Making myself feel like I didn't deserve his grace? His mercy? Too many days have been spent wondering what was wrong with me for people not loving me, not realizing that I have all the love I could ever need and more.
I have been running around thinking I can do this myself but the truth is that I can't. Its not needful. It is not necessary. Its very prideful of me to think that, and I need to be humble and accept that I can't do everything. I can't be perfect, nor am I expected to be. I am expected to keep trying and pursuing perfection, but I won't get there in this lifetime, no one will.
Sorry that was complete word vomit! This is going to become my sort of journal, so expect some very emotional stuff haha.
Stay in his love.
Amirah
But, the point of this post isn't to lose my faith in humanity. Throughout all of my feelings aforementioned, I have felt a glimmer. A glimmer of the faith and love I once used to possess. Somewhere between society and my own weaknesses I lost what was most precious to me, and now I want it back. This glimmer pulls at me occasionally, leading me in the right direction. I'm realizing now as I'm writing this, that I don't need to stick with the anger and pain and guilt and shame. I can become whole again. The only way to do this is through him. The only way is to let go completely.
Sometimes, we need to let go and let him take control. Let go, and surrender in his grace. His grace will save you even if you think there is no way he can take you out of this bitter gulf of misery. I often equate grace with power. He will save you with his grace. He will save you with his power. How amazing is this???
You do not need to have the power to save yourself! He has it already! The only thing that he asks is that we follow him, and that we love one another, for isn't that the reason for this life.
WOW. How many days of this year have I wandered around in my silliness at school or with friends, worrying about stupid things and pushing myself lower? Making myself feel like I didn't deserve his grace? His mercy? Too many days have been spent wondering what was wrong with me for people not loving me, not realizing that I have all the love I could ever need and more.
I have been running around thinking I can do this myself but the truth is that I can't. Its not needful. It is not necessary. Its very prideful of me to think that, and I need to be humble and accept that I can't do everything. I can't be perfect, nor am I expected to be. I am expected to keep trying and pursuing perfection, but I won't get there in this lifetime, no one will.
Sorry that was complete word vomit! This is going to become my sort of journal, so expect some very emotional stuff haha.
Stay in his love.
Amirah
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